Remember the US Army ad that said: "Be all that you can be, join the adventure"? I often think about this ad and imagine a strapping young man eager for adventure months later after having enlisted finding himself in the dark, waist high in mud, surrounded by heavy artillery, wondering if he could do a little with out THIS adventure. His thoughts are focused not on all that he can be but on the fact that he is terrified to the inner core of his being. If he is lucky he will survive this or worse.
I am very anti-war and a strong pacifist, so why is this a prevalent thought running through my head? I often get this image at times in my life when I am faced with a major change. So now, after 20 years I am getting ready to leave Miami to move to Wisconsin. I initially welcomed this as great adventure! I can go home, spend time thinking about what I really want to do in life, plan to go to India, who knows. I look forward to all the promise of developing and using my innate giftings and exploring untraveled terrain. But part and parcel of such change, the great adventure, is the confrontation of the muck and mire and heavy artillery of inner fears and insecurities that come gushing to the surface when I face the great unknown! I find myself figuratively waist high in the mud, with a foreboding sinking feeling. But, I soon remember it is just a day-dream or image in my mind and that in reality I will not be destroyed or decapitated! Perhaps the soldier in the trenches sets his hopes on survival and that's what gets them through it. God help the hundreds and thousands of souls who truly are in such merciless circumstances. And thanks be to God that my reality, while it may feel temporarily dire, it is not, in truth!
So, why the sinking feeling in the face of life changing adventure? Yes, there is fear of the unknown. While I love change, I do feel uneasy about not really knowing what is ahead. I identify strongly with the Psalmist words: "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my way". That's about as much as I see at any given time. On rare occasion I am shown much farther down the path. But only a glance and then it is just that step immediately in front of me.
When I was younger, we lived in a house in the mountains that was built on the edge of a cliff and had a very narrow path leading to it. My cousin came to visit us and arrived late on a very dark night. He followed dutifully behind my father with just his flash light on the path directly behind my father's feet. He dared not shine his light around, for the night was pitch black and my father's pace was fast. The next morning when he woke up we took our coffee out to the yard to get the warmth of the morning sun and he looked out at the beautiful scenery looking out over the cliff. "But how did I get here" he asked. So we pointed to the "eye-brow" of a path that skirted the mountain and led to the house. The path, which had a shear drop along the edge, was just wide enough for one person to walk on! He gasped in horror: "That's where I was walking last night? I would have been terrified if I'd seen it in the light" After you do it once, however, you get use to it, and before long he found himself running along the path without a thought about it's potential danger!
Sometimes it's good only to have that little bit of light shining on your path as you start on a journey. In time you see the whole panorama! And as you see more and experience more, you walk those narrow paths along steep cliffs, with a skip and a jump!
So right now, as I approach my new adventure, I only can see the little bit before me. And it's a little scary, but not half as scary as if I saw what a precipice I am near! Sometimes people want to shed light on that: What? You don't have a job? What? You are going up to Wisconsin in the dead of winter? But I just keep my eyes focus on what I have to do now and say like Scarlet O'Hare "Oh fiddle-dee-dee, I'll think about THAT tomorrow!"
So what exactly is scary? I have been daily going through my stuff and picking out what I will keep and what I need to get rid of. One day it is ridding myself of books that I've enjoyed. Do I really need to keep Their Eyes Were Watching God or The Odyssey? Can I do without The Journey of Desire? The next day I decide I can give up my black suit jacket and a sari I've had for years but never wear. Then today I decided I can give up my sitar (Indian instrument) that I've had for 37 years. Sigh! It's a constant letting go. Honestly it is very unsettling!
Regardless of how unsettling this feels, it ultimately is freeing. I have greatly enjoyed the abundance of things that I have had, but it's also nice to not be weighed down and held back by "stuff". For a moment I feel I'm in the trenches and missiles of sentimentality and insecurity come crashing in. But I don't stay there. I get up and out and see the beautiful Morning Star that shines ever brighter until the full light of day! THIS is not MY war! Oh, believe me there very well will be real trenches and battles ahead. But this one....phff....this one I can live through! Yep...this one I can let go!
No comments:
Post a Comment